Backward Alabama Celebrates Equinox with Traditional American Mass Shooting

The primitive tribes of the Alabama backwoods in the United States last night celebrated another equinox with a traditional American mass shooting, and they did it with pride. At least 4 people were killed in the celebratory ceremony and multiple others injured at a popular entertainment area in Birmingham, Alabama.

Police officer Truman Fitzgerald said “multiple shooters fired multiple shots on multiple people” in the Five Points South area right around 11 pm, as he choked briefly at repeating the word "multiple".

The tradition has it that police officers arrive a bit late at the scene to allow the ceremonial killing to finish properly. Upon arrival, they found two men and a woman with gunshot wounds, all three to be later pronounced dead. A fourth sacrificial idiot died at an area hospital.

No suspects were in custody as of early Sunday, allowing the community to gather in their churches and praise the Lord in conclusion of the ceremonial barbaric tradition, as they reinforced their right to bear arms according to the US constitution.

So far this year, the United States has proudly achieved at least 403 mass shootings, a "mass shooting" being defined as one in which at least four people are shot, excluding the shooter. Therefore, the achievement is even greater if "failed shootings" are included in which less than 4 people are killed. The standard to be met for the tradition to be publicized and celebrated is 4 people killed, and Alabama has certainly met the criterion in yesterday's mass killing.

The NRA issued a statement in which it congratulated Alabama for upholding the constitutional right to bear arms in yesterday's mass killing, noting that more martyrs will be added to the shooting's roster as additional gunshot victims are being identified and arrive at local hospitals. 

Donald Dumb said he hadn't yet heard details of the shooting in Alabama, but said he will issue his congratulatory statement once the final tally of martyrs is made. He said that if he is elected in November, he will establish a Mass Killings Hall of Fame in which the State record holder (by number of people killed) of the year will be inducted, so that future generations of Americans can look back at with pride.

Police officer Fitzgerald insisted that the mass shootings “have more to do with culture than they do with criminality”, thus emphasizing the traditional aspect of this most American of sacrifical cultural ceremonies.