With PatriASS Nasrallah Boutros Sfeir on his way out as the head of the Maronite Church, five candidates are vying to become the new Patriarch. For the first time in its history, the Maronite Church has opened the field for women, converts, and other non-human primates to run for this otherwise useless, pointless, and archaic post, in an effort to stir up interest and encourage the younger generation to join this religious cult.
It is worth noting that this religion or confession or denomination or doctrine or church or sect (or whatever word one wants to use to describe the endless divisions that religions have caused in the human race) is in fact no different from other religious cults built on racism, bigotry, child-fucking, stupid stories and myths about virgin vaginas and mysterious impregnations and miracles, money-making, land-grabbing, power-mongering, and so on and so forth that have been the hallmarks of all religions ever since primitive man used his first neuron to ask: Why am I here?
Having no answers 13 million years ago (when humans evolved from the other primates) in the absence of a good brain to create knowledge or science, man started making up stories about rocks, the sun, the moon, the water... Then, his brain grew a little more and he started making up stories about little gods for every little thing gods who went around sleeping with trees and animals to produce the human race.... Then having had enough of thousands of gods, man decided to lump them into one god known as El, Yahweh, Allah..... who - as we know today - led us to the three genocidal monotheistic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam and their myriads of offshoots and sects, in which now brainier and arrogant humans thought of themselves as so special that they could destroy other creatures and other humans because "God" chose them to be in His image or delivered his "Only True" message to them.... Finally, about 500 years ago, even smarter humans started wondering - with all the knowledge they had accumulated - whether they needed a god anymore, and the answer obviously was NO. All the stories of 13 millions ago began crumbling, and they continue to crumble. Modern man no longer believes the crap inflicted on him by religious stories, while much of humanity remains in a state of imbecility and continues to believe religious garbage, but change is occurring slowly and steadily.
Back to our Maronite Church and the election of a new Patriarch. Here are the candidates that are lined up, and Lebanon Iznogood has one favorite candidate.
Sister Marie Kayrouz, the singing nun from Lebanon. Known for her lesbian tendencies, she displays a modern face of the Lebanese Maronites and is a strong favorite among Lebanese women who are disgusted with the domination of all life (social, political, religious...) by old senile men. A fresh face, but still hailing from the religious establishment.
Hassan Nasrallah who, it is rumored, has been converted to Maronitism by none else that the demented General Michel Aoun. While in hiding (for fear of a heat-sensing missile running up his asshole), Hassan is said to have heard Jesus and Mar Maroun speak to him in his underground cave. He has not declared his conversion yet, but will soon announce it. He is definitely the favorite candidates by General Aoun's followers of the Free Patriotic Movement who see in the election of HAssan to head the Maronite Church as a means to consolidate their own Memorandum of Understanding with Hezbollah. The unknown is whether the Shit(e) community would want to kill Hassan as an apostate.
Ezra Al-Maamari. His father is Lebanese and his mother is Saudi, and so he does hold the Lebanese citizenship (the reverse would not have entitled him to the Lebanese citizenship). He is seen as a good "consensus" Patriarch because of his bridging the chasm between all the religious communities of Lebanon. He is young, though, which often plays against the candidate, as the Church elders - with their decaying neurons, drooping balls, and fading minds - prefer candidates like them.
Gilead (جلعاد) of Qaanubin. Has been living in the caves of the Lebanese highlands for decades. He speaks Farsi and English, which he taught himself. But he is old and wise and is a likely candidate. However, his isolation for such a long period of time, and his disappointment at not having been beatified as a saint by the Vatican, has made him disgruntled, angry and occasionally violent.
Janine Abdallah Al-Aryan. She is the daughter of a former Maronite abbot from the town of Mayfuq who fathered her with a nun, and was kicked out of the Church. He went to America where he raised his daughter. Janine is popular among the young Lebanese-American Maronites of Miami and Toledo, Ohio. She has been very active in the north american maronite community, where she has exhibited herself repeatedly to the delight of the parishes she has visited. As representative of the expatriate Maronites, she stands to attract the younger generation which continues to be disappointed by the Lebanese governments denying them the right to vote in parliamentary elections. Janine is Lebanon Iznogood's favored candidate, as she represents an emancipated free progressive and modern Maronite Church.